by Janice Feuerhelm
As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s a great reminder to keep the romance fun alive and active in your relationship. Chances are, if you’ve been together for longer than a few years, you may be a little rusty in the area of romance. In order to grasp the true meaning of romance, you may need a basic understanding of what it is and how to make it a regular part of your lives.
An interesting fact about the word “Romance”; it is both a noun and a verb. Google defines romance in its noun form as “a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.” Romance used as a verb is defined simply as “ to court, woo.”
Let’s focus on the noun definition of romance and how to have fun with it in your relationship. Experiencing life together in itself can be a mystery. You are blending two sets of unique personalities, not really knowing the exact outcome. When you are both open to trying new things together, the mystery comes in, not knowing fully how you will each respond. For example, let’s say you are both willing to try a cooking class together. You may find that you have a chef inside you just waiting to emerge or you may discover that you genuinely can enjoy each other’s company for an afternoon or two. So remember, the key here is to “be open” to trying new adventures, hobbies, and activities together. It’s about laughing together, learning together, and exploring together!
Romance is also a way to “escape from the remoteness” of everyday life. It’s so easy to get into a rut and forget that there’s a relationship that needs to be nurtured and a world out there, waiting to be explored! The cool thing is, you can explore together – now that’s romance! Who doesn’t need an occasional escape from the responsibilities of life?
So now, let’s move on to the verb tense definition of the word romance. We just gotta love the word “WOO”. Not a word we use in our vocabulary every day. However, if you’ve stopped “wooing” your mate then watch out, because your love for one another could suffer. “Who doesn’t like being wooed?” said no one!
Men: How to Woo Her
So, let’s focus this section for the man. For some men, it may not be a natural inclination to woo, but try it anyway. My guess is, that you were doing plenty of wooing at the beginning of your relationship.
Here are some behaviors you can do to “woo” her:
Let her know you are still attracted to her. Be sincere about it. If you tell her she’s beautiful and she just got out of the shower, she may have a hard time believing you. Look for the moments when YOU can stop and simply ADMIRE her beauty. It may be when she’s leaving for work or when she’s interacting with a child. Or maybe she’s engaged in a joyful hobby. Whatever she’s doing, be aware of moments to admire. And then, communicate to her the qualities you observe, the ones you fell in love with. She needs to know you still have google-eyes for her. You remember, that heart racing feeling when you first met her or on your wedding day.
Showing her respectful affection is a great way to woo her. Not the kind of affection that says, “I want your sexy body” (Women, you know what I mean, you may want to explain to him in more detail). Women want the affection that says, “you are beautiful to me and I adore you”. It’s a more gentle and loving approach to affection. Reaching for her hand in the movie theater or car. Touching her face when she’s resting. It’s a gentle loving touch.
To woo her, you need to really KNOW her. Know what she loves and show interest in that. Know all her favorite things…if a Heath Chocolate Bar is her favorite candy then how easy would it be to bring her one home as a surprise. When you know her well, you are in a better position for wooing.
Wooing her means YOU are her biggest FAN. Which means, you advocate for her, you support her in her struggles, you always let her know you are playing on her team. You Listen to her stories with genuine interest.
When you are wooing her, you are also connecting emotionally with her. Connecting emotionally is one of her greatest needs. When she feels wooed by you, she will reciprocate her own wooing for you. It’s amazing how the law of reciprocity is at work in relationships.
Women: How to Woo Him
Now it’s time for the women to have a lesson on wooing. Wooing him is just as vital for him as it is for you. Just a few ideas on what it can look like in your relationship:
Your man needs to know that he is still attractive to you. He needs to hear compliments as well. A man needs to know that you RESPECT him. Woo over his ideas, opinions, and dreams. If he knows you respect him as a man, he will know he is loved by you.
Learn what he values and show support for what’s important to him. Most men really value loyalty, so make certain to not correct him in public or confront him on an issue around other people. He will feel wooed if you show him Loyalty.
He also needs to know you are his biggest fan and that you will support him through all his struggles. He needs to know that you are willing to Listen to him without judgment or criticism.
He also needs affection. Touch is such a vital part of a relationship. Feel good hormones are released during the process of touch. Take time every day, no matter how busy you are with other things, to let him feel your touch. Snuggle with him, massage his shoulders, hold his hand, sit next to him. I love the idea of 15 second hugs at least three times per day. Make a genuine effort to show him affection.
I must say, I enjoyed using the word “woo” in all of its tenses. It’s a word that needs to remain in our marriages on a consistent basis.
Romance is an important area to focus on in your relationship. Make it fun! Be open to new ideas and trying things you’ve never done before. Consider rekindling the things you once did together as a couple. Begin with a conversation with each other about what you each find romantic. Embrace the mystery of romance as you explore together. Remember and be intentional about “escaping” from everyday life. Listen with a heart of love and you may be amazed at how soon you are both wooing one another.
As a marriage counselor, Janice Feuerhelm often assigns homework to couple she works with visit her website at www.counselingandwellness.org for more information.